A Definitely "Legit" Guide to the Minecraft Community

This article is satirical. I am merely poking fun at the Minecraft community. Though it of course has its flaws (which are covered in this article), I have a deep respect for a lot of Minecraft players as they do what I am unable to do: contribute properly to the community. This is my 2 cents. I really love this game. I honestly wanted to write a guide first instead, but guides are boring and this seemed more fun.

Welcome to the Minecraft community! Don't play the game? Too bad, you've probably seen it already with the constant overload on youtube. But what is the "Minecraft" community and why is it so huge?

Minecraft is a 3D open world voxel based game which defies every law of physics. It took off on the PC in 2009, reaching 107 million copies bought in 2016. After seeing how many knockoffs were being created by no name app developers, Mojang decided to 1-up these wannabes by bringing Minecraft to the app store AND the Xbox. People without enough income to buy a laptop could finally afford to play this amazing game on their flatscreen TVs.

Its main demographic was younger children, but it took off after adults found out how fun the game and making money off of the community was. Although, like many other games, many people are accused of being 10-year olds, a majority of the fanbase actually is. This especially peaked when Minecraft Youtubers discovered the secret to becoming famous. By asking viewers to "smash that like button", thousands of people ultimately broke Youtube's algorithm (quite literally). After Youtube switched up its code, new methods had to be discovered to become internet famous. And thus, the golden formula was created.

Popularity = (Subscribers/2) + Clickbait Score * (Enthusiasm^(decibels of screaming  # of seconds screaming) + "Budder Variable")

(For those unsure, the "Budder Variable" refers to any nicknames that you give certain objects/events in the game. A prime example would be calling gold "Budder". The more people spam it on public servers, the higher the score)

Of course there was a long period of time in between the algorithm switch and golden formula creation, in which multiple Youtubers were pruned out of the competition. During this time, these filth attempted to created their own "original content" and were in turn punished by having a more popular Youtuber show them how it's done. These vile scum thankfully don't exist in the community anymore. Instead, natural selection has allowed only the best of the best to rise to the top. Is there a really wholesome Youtuber who just plays the game with no gimmicks to try attracting more views? They'll probably stay at the bottom of the list and end up quitting due to depression. Do you dislike watching sellouts? Well lucky for you there are many other rising Youtubers you can instead watch than your current favorite! Do you dislike the content a creator is producing? Yell at them in the comments for not doing their literal job of being a Youtuber and tell them to fine tune their content from things they enjoy to things you enjoy instead. Make sure you comment on their older videos asking for likes from when the Youtuber still made "good" content.

I bet you're sick of hearing about Youtubers, so let's move on to the servers! If you happen to find a survival factions server with at least 10 active members, you've probably hit the jackpot! Just try not to get killed as they inevitably spawn camp you with their full, enchanted diamond gear as you helplessly defend yourself with your wooden sword. If you ever get sick of hiding underground because you don't want your base being raided, you can always play REAL Minecraft. That's right, you can play mini-games.

There are so many mini-games in Minecraft that the possibilities are endless. Regardless of what you play, there's always going to be a hacker that can't be killed and ruins the game for everyone. Don't know how to hack? That's fine, merely take out your wallet and buy VIP ranks from the server itself. The money will probably be donated to Minecraft since it obviously costs no money to run a server with various different features.

Maybe playing mini-games isn't your thing. Maybe you want to play something a bit less vanilla. You could always join the modded community and download as many mods as your computer can handle! How many is too many? As long as you can run 2 frames per second you've got a good amount! Spend hours combining Minecraft with your weird fantasies of Dr. Who, Lord of the Rings, Starwars and Attack on Titan all accumulating together. It's basically like Fanfic.net except you get to live in the experience! Want to somehow support your favorite mod creator? Like that guy who made Thaumcraft, or that other dude who made that other mod? Don't worry because they're all just machines, created by Mojang to make the Minecraft community even betterer. They definitely aren't people dedicating their time to programming new in game elements to a game they love during their free time as they try to support their familes.

There are so many more things to say about this fantastic community, however the best way to experience this is to play it yourself! Don't waste your time playing alone when you could be accusing a 10 year old that they're hacking! Go out there, have fun, and remember: if you don't make fun of their mom, it's not really an insult.